Dearest Luke,

¡Merry Christmas! 

Things with me have been pretty good lately. I'm dating a great guy. I think you would have liked him Luke. I think he would have liked you too. I am currently laying down in bed at 3:11 AM thinking of you and writing you this letter. I wish I would remember to write more often to you. I find myself in situations from time to time in which I really need some good sound advice and getting that advice from you always meant so much to me.  I'll try to remember to write more Luke. I hope that wherever you are (if anywhere at all) you're able to celebrate something fun and festive. We miss you here every day Luke. I love you. 

Sincerely,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

It's been a while since I have last sent you a letter. I'm sorry for that. I'm also very sorry for forgetting your birthday this year on September 2nd. This is the first year I have ever forgotten your birthday and I'm so mad at myself for forgetting. I'm worried that my having forgotten your birthday is the start of memories fading and becoming washed out and drowned by newer more recent memories. I don't want that to happen. I'll try to do better in making sure I remember better. 

    Today I found myself wondering about you. I wonder what you would be doing this very minute if you were still alive. It's been over a year and a half since you have passed and I wonder what this past year and a half would have been like for you if you hadn't gone. I wonder what your last text to me would have been. I wonder if we would have gone on another trip just you and me like the good ol' days. I wonder a lot. I wish. A lot. Not a day passes that I don't say your name out loud Luke. You're always alive in my head and heart. I miss you so much. Please come visit me in my dreams. 

Sincerely,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

I'm sorry that I haven't written to you in a long time. I keep wanting to write you a letter but time gets the best of me and I either end up forgetting, or I'm just not able to. I felt like I have to write to you right now. It's almost 1 a.m. but you're with me now, and I have to share. 

    I'm in a hotel room in Sacramento on a four day conference for work. For some reason the hotel reminds me of the hotel room where we first met in Dublin. They layout of the room isn't necessarily the same, but there's something about the look and feel of the room that brought me back to that say when we first met. I close my eyes and I remember feelings that I had being with you. I ask myself "what would Luke be doing right now?" You would probably be outside close by somewhere smoking and observing people and/or that atmosphere. 

    My memory and dreams are full of you. I wake up and you aren't there. Everything I want and hope to be true is nothing more than dreams of the impossible. At the end of the day a feeling is only a feeling and reality says you still aren't here. Is that all I have left of you?  A feeling. There is so much to our story that is not finished Luke. An infinite amount of possibility for us is now a shelved unfinished book with empty, unwritten chapters.  Nothing is left except the hopes and the dreams of what could have, or what may have been. 

    I miss you Luke. Even alone on this hotel room I have faith in your presence. I may not see you but I know you're here. I love you. Please come see me in my dreams. 

Love, 

Sergio

Dear Luke,

    Are you there?  I hope with everything I have within me that you are.  I feel silly, but I can't help it.  I've never been religious and I still can't claim to be religious.  I've never read the bible and I don't go to church.  Even so, I still feel this absolutely strong need to believe that you exist somewhere still.  I need to believe that it's not just "lights out" for you!  I need to believe that when the end came for you on January 26, 2013 you were calm and that you entered into a place where you feel happiness.  I need to believe that I'll see you again someday! That I'll get to touch your hand again.  I'll get to hear your voice again.  I'll one day look in your direction and see those green eyes of yours staring back at me and flashing that friendly smile you showed so well to me when you were alive.  I miss all of those things about you so much Luke.
     Perhaps holding onto those memories, desires, fantasies (however you may call them), may not be the wisest or the healthiest comforts for me; but it's the only thing I know how to do right now.  It's the only way I can still feel like I'm still with you and that you're still with me.  It makes me feel like we're still connected somehow.
     Tonight I went to the movies and watched Heaven is for Real.  I liked the movie a lot and it gave me some comfort in thinking about you.  The movie gave me hope that you may actually be in this fantastic place where fear, pain, anger, sadness, stress, and all other soul heavy feelings don't exist.  It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, one day I'll actually get to stare into your face again, give you a giant bear hug, and hear you tell me "It's going to be alright." 
     I drove home from the movie theater tonight listening to your voice from old voice-mail messages you had left for me years ago.  How I miss your voice! 
     Are you there Luke?  I hope so.

Love,
Sergio

                                  ~The first picture you had ever sent to me of yourself when we first met back in 2005~

                                 ~The last picture I will ever receive from you in 2013. You were a goofball!   I miss you!~

Dear Luke,

    Today marks the year you passed. The year that devastated me. It's so difficult to believe that a year has passed. It's even more difficult to believe that it's been over a year since I received my last text message from you, or since I spoke with you over the phone. Time is a strange thing. 

    I catch myself fantasizing about you all the time. I close my eyes and picture you still alive. What would you be doing right now? Probably sleeping. How would your day have been?  Would you have set plans for tomorrow?  My fantasies of a world with you still in it inspires question after question. Unfortunately all that it is is a fantasy. The reality is, you aren't here like I want you to be. You did nothing today, and you will not have plans for tomorrow. The story that I created in my head with you as it's protagonist is one that helps me get through the days se times. 

    You may not be here anymore; but I do still feel you from time to time. Is that really you? Or is it just wishful thinking on my end? I like to think it's you. I've even had conversations with you in my dreams. 

    How I miss you Luke. The world seemed an easier place to live in knowing you were around. I love you Luke. Always in my heart. 

Love,

Sergio.