Dear Luke,

I'm sorry that I haven't written to you in a long time. I keep wanting to write you a letter but time gets the best of me and I either end up forgetting, or I'm just not able to. I felt like I have to write to you right now. It's almost 1 a.m. but you're with me now, and I have to share. 

    I'm in a hotel room in Sacramento on a four day conference for work. For some reason the hotel reminds me of the hotel room where we first met in Dublin. They layout of the room isn't necessarily the same, but there's something about the look and feel of the room that brought me back to that say when we first met. I close my eyes and I remember feelings that I had being with you. I ask myself "what would Luke be doing right now?" You would probably be outside close by somewhere smoking and observing people and/or that atmosphere. 

    My memory and dreams are full of you. I wake up and you aren't there. Everything I want and hope to be true is nothing more than dreams of the impossible. At the end of the day a feeling is only a feeling and reality says you still aren't here. Is that all I have left of you?  A feeling. There is so much to our story that is not finished Luke. An infinite amount of possibility for us is now a shelved unfinished book with empty, unwritten chapters.  Nothing is left except the hopes and the dreams of what could have, or what may have been. 

    I miss you Luke. Even alone on this hotel room I have faith in your presence. I may not see you but I know you're here. I love you. Please come see me in my dreams. 

Love, 

Sergio

Dear Luke,

    Are you there?  I hope with everything I have within me that you are.  I feel silly, but I can't help it.  I've never been religious and I still can't claim to be religious.  I've never read the bible and I don't go to church.  Even so, I still feel this absolutely strong need to believe that you exist somewhere still.  I need to believe that it's not just "lights out" for you!  I need to believe that when the end came for you on January 26, 2013 you were calm and that you entered into a place where you feel happiness.  I need to believe that I'll see you again someday! That I'll get to touch your hand again.  I'll get to hear your voice again.  I'll one day look in your direction and see those green eyes of yours staring back at me and flashing that friendly smile you showed so well to me when you were alive.  I miss all of those things about you so much Luke.
     Perhaps holding onto those memories, desires, fantasies (however you may call them), may not be the wisest or the healthiest comforts for me; but it's the only thing I know how to do right now.  It's the only way I can still feel like I'm still with you and that you're still with me.  It makes me feel like we're still connected somehow.
     Tonight I went to the movies and watched Heaven is for Real.  I liked the movie a lot and it gave me some comfort in thinking about you.  The movie gave me hope that you may actually be in this fantastic place where fear, pain, anger, sadness, stress, and all other soul heavy feelings don't exist.  It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, one day I'll actually get to stare into your face again, give you a giant bear hug, and hear you tell me "It's going to be alright." 
     I drove home from the movie theater tonight listening to your voice from old voice-mail messages you had left for me years ago.  How I miss your voice! 
     Are you there Luke?  I hope so.

Love,
Sergio

                                  ~The first picture you had ever sent to me of yourself when we first met back in 2005~

                                 ~The last picture I will ever receive from you in 2013. You were a goofball!   I miss you!~

Dear Luke,

    Today marks the year you passed. The year that devastated me. It's so difficult to believe that a year has passed. It's even more difficult to believe that it's been over a year since I received my last text message from you, or since I spoke with you over the phone. Time is a strange thing. 

    I catch myself fantasizing about you all the time. I close my eyes and picture you still alive. What would you be doing right now? Probably sleeping. How would your day have been?  Would you have set plans for tomorrow?  My fantasies of a world with you still in it inspires question after question. Unfortunately all that it is is a fantasy. The reality is, you aren't here like I want you to be. You did nothing today, and you will not have plans for tomorrow. The story that I created in my head with you as it's protagonist is one that helps me get through the days se times. 

    You may not be here anymore; but I do still feel you from time to time. Is that really you? Or is it just wishful thinking on my end? I like to think it's you. I've even had conversations with you in my dreams. 

    How I miss you Luke. The world seemed an easier place to live in knowing you were around. I love you Luke. Always in my heart. 

Love,

Sergio. 

Dear Luke,

    Merry Christmas!  Less than one month from now will mark they one year point since I lost you. It's still so unreal that you're gone, and it's definitely so unreal that it's almost been one year since you passed. 

    I spoke to you last night. Did you hear me?  Sometimes I feel like I can hear me while other times I feel like my voice is lost to the outer space Abiss. It kind of feels fitting though.  

    I miss you Luke. I really hope that wherever you are, you're celebrating Christmas or what ever. I love you. 

Love,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

    I finally had another dream with you last night. Thank you for visiting me. It was so amazing to see you again and hug you again.  The dream felt so real and you felt so alive. 

    I don't quite remember how you came about in my dream. I think in my dream someone told me you were alive. I didn't believe it and immediately asked where you were. As soon as I found out your location I ran to you. 

    When I saw you in my dream I ran to you and we gave each other the longest hug. It was the bear hug I promised to give to you before you died; but never had the opportunity. I remember staring at you crying and telling you that I love you. I told you that what ever you were going through, I would have supported you through and loved you even more. As I stared at you in excitement and disbelief of your presence, you began to tear up and cry. Another giant hug wasn't far after you started crying. 

    I know that we had a conversation in my dream, because we ended up sitting together at a table reminiscent of a restaurants covered in a white table cloth. Then we left whatever building we were in, together; and I woke up. 

    Thank you so much for visiting me. It meant the world to me. I will be writing all of your visits down in the future so that I never forget them. I love you Luke!  Visit me again soon. And visit Clairissa and Kim. I know they would love seeing you also. 

Sincerely,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I just watched the movie "Bridegroom" and finished the movie thinking about you. I'm sorry every day that you aren't here Luke. Words can't express how much I miss you. We're coming close to the year mark since you've left us. I miss you Luke!  I love you!  

Sincerely,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

   Here I am at Clairissa's wedding. I can't help but think that you should be here instead of me. I wish you were here Luke. You have a way of making things ok. 

    Watching the wedding I couldn't help,also, but think about how I always fantasizes that some day this day would happen for you and for me. I don't know if you wanted it also; but you were always the one for me. I can't see a wedding without wondering what ours could have been like. I miss you Luke. I wish you were here with me. I need you to make me feel like things are ok again.  I love you. 

Sincerely,

Sergio.