Dear Luke,

    Merry Christmas!  Less than one month from now will mark they one year point since I lost you. It's still so unreal that you're gone, and it's definitely so unreal that it's almost been one year since you passed. 

    I spoke to you last night. Did you hear me?  Sometimes I feel like I can hear me while other times I feel like my voice is lost to the outer space Abiss. It kind of feels fitting though.  

    I miss you Luke. I really hope that wherever you are, you're celebrating Christmas or what ever. I love you. 

Love,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

    I finally had another dream with you last night. Thank you for visiting me. It was so amazing to see you again and hug you again.  The dream felt so real and you felt so alive. 

    I don't quite remember how you came about in my dream. I think in my dream someone told me you were alive. I didn't believe it and immediately asked where you were. As soon as I found out your location I ran to you. 

    When I saw you in my dream I ran to you and we gave each other the longest hug. It was the bear hug I promised to give to you before you died; but never had the opportunity. I remember staring at you crying and telling you that I love you. I told you that what ever you were going through, I would have supported you through and loved you even more. As I stared at you in excitement and disbelief of your presence, you began to tear up and cry. Another giant hug wasn't far after you started crying. 

    I know that we had a conversation in my dream, because we ended up sitting together at a table reminiscent of a restaurants covered in a white table cloth. Then we left whatever building we were in, together; and I woke up. 

    Thank you so much for visiting me. It meant the world to me. I will be writing all of your visits down in the future so that I never forget them. I love you Luke!  Visit me again soon. And visit Clairissa and Kim. I know they would love seeing you also. 

Sincerely,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I just watched the movie "Bridegroom" and finished the movie thinking about you. I'm sorry every day that you aren't here Luke. Words can't express how much I miss you. We're coming close to the year mark since you've left us. I miss you Luke!  I love you!  

Sincerely,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

   Here I am at Clairissa's wedding. I can't help but think that you should be here instead of me. I wish you were here Luke. You have a way of making things ok. 

    Watching the wedding I couldn't help,also, but think about how I always fantasizes that some day this day would happen for you and for me. I don't know if you wanted it also; but you were always the one for me. I can't see a wedding without wondering what ours could have been like. I miss you Luke. I wish you were here with me. I need you to make me feel like things are ok again.  I love you. 

Sincerely,

Sergio. 

Dear Luke,

Happy Birthday!  I miss you more and more every day; but it's special occasions like this that makes me miss you even more. This year is the first year since we've met in 2005 that I won't text you a message wishing you a happy birthday.  That's pretty big for me. Every year I made a point of remembering your birthday just to be able to wish you a happy day. I wish you were here today. 

    We celebrated your birthday today and I think you would have approved of the food. People who loved you were all here today to celebrate your day. Did you hear us talking about you?  Everyone has such beautiful memories of you. I will always hold my memories of you close to my heart. I miss you so much it hurts. Please come visit me in my dreams. I need to see you and feel like we're in the same place together. I need to feel like I'm next to you again hearing your voice, seeing your face... Please visit my dreams. Please.  

Happy Birthday.  

Love,

Sergio

Dear Luke,

So today I cleaned out my apartment to head back to Southern California in the morning. I filled out my "moving out" paper work and made it all official. I've known that moving day was coming and would get here fast, and although a month ago the thought of moving did make me sad, to day the reality and visual of moving felt devastating. As my apartment became more and more empty I couldn't help but remember you. To were my first guest to come over. The last time I'm saw you alive was there at that apartment which I am now moving away from. 

Iook at specific spots in that apartment and I remember you:  

You would take your martini out to my balcony and smoke while we talked. During that talk you asked to really try to make it work for us and not let anything come between us. You were to my left, sitting in my old wooden chair. We talked about a lot of things. Then there's that spot where you spilled some blue orchid martini onto my carpet Nd tried being sneeky covering up the small blue dot with my printer. You didn't fool me.  I caught you and I cleaned it up; but we sure did have a good laugh about you're non sneeky ninja skills.

My last memory of you, you were sitting on the floor in front of me on this spot:

Just in front of my balcony door. You were a little drunk and I made sure you stayed with me a little while to sober up. You wanted to leave, but you didn't. You ended up passing out for a few hours right in that spot. You woke up much better and alert and commented about wanting to hang together more. I was so excited at the idea of getting to see you more often. 

Seeing my apartment empty flooded memories of you into my brain. 

I won't get to see those spots that remind me of our last time together anymore. It devistates me. I feel like I'm loosing you all over again and I have to say goodbye to you again. I don't know how to say goodbye again and let you go. You're in that apartment. In the memories which brings me straight back to the experience when I see those special spots. I won't have those spots anymore. What's worse is, when that apartment gets a new tenant, those spots that were your spots will not have meaning to the new person. That new person will create their own meanings and spots. I just don't know how to let you go. I felt close to you in there. Movig forward I won't have any more places to give to you. I want to experience you again Luke. I want to see you, hear you, touch you. I want to know that wherever you are, you're ok. I just want to talk to you again Luke. :-(. 

Dear Luke,

    It's almost been six months. I can't believe it!  I miss you so much Luke. 

    On Saturday I went to San Diego pride with a few friends. I had fun; but my mind kept wandering over to thoughts and memories of you. At 

one point after leaving the pride festival my friends and I went to a bar. I bbegan remembering the time when we visited San Francisco for the second time. Remember? We went to a club/bar and you accidentally bumped into a guy causing him to spill his entire drink. You apologized profusely to him and quickly bought him another drink. 

    I remember how excited you where when the DJ started playing the song "Low" and you tried getting me out to the dance floor to dance. I said no because I don't dance; but you were persistent and I did end up dancing that song. 

    I remember you asking me to go outside with you so you could smoke and I happily followed. I would have gone with you anywhere. Outside we talked about random things. I vaguely remember you complaining about someone's bad breath, and the. A homeless woman approached us. She didn't approach us to ask for money, she approached us to say that we were "a beautiful couple."  I know that at that time we weren't really a couple. As much as I wished we were or could be a couple, I knew we weren't. But what really stuck with me was that you didn't correct the woman. Instead of responding to the woman saying "We aren't a couple" you looked T her with appreciation and sincerity and said "Thank you so much."  Thank you for that Luke. I would have sacrificed everything for you. To this day I would sacrifice anything just to bring you back. 

    My friends Ryan and Giovani got married the other day and I just watched their wedding video. I can't watch weddings without thinking about how in my mind I had always thought and hoped that when I got married it would be with you. Deep down I felt this connection with you and felt that you were the missing half of me. I pictured a life with you. I had a picture of a future with you. You were, and are, my some mate. I can't even imagine moving on and finding someone new to love. I can't picture it in my head. I feel like my life stopped when you did and I don't know how to start it back up again. I don't even know if I want to start it up again. I just don't know. :-(

Sincerely,

Sergio