Dear Luke,

   Here I am at Clairissa's wedding. I can't help but think that you should be here instead of me. I wish you were here Luke. You have a way of making things ok. 

    Watching the wedding I couldn't help,also, but think about how I always fantasizes that some day this day would happen for you and for me. I don't know if you wanted it also; but you were always the one for me. I can't see a wedding without wondering what ours could have been like. I miss you Luke. I wish you were here with me. I need you to make me feel like things are ok again.  I love you. 

Sincerely,

Sergio. 

Dear Luke,

Happy Birthday!  I miss you more and more every day; but it's special occasions like this that makes me miss you even more. This year is the first year since we've met in 2005 that I won't text you a message wishing you a happy birthday.  That's pretty big for me. Every year I made a point of remembering your birthday just to be able to wish you a happy day. I wish you were here today. 

    We celebrated your birthday today and I think you would have approved of the food. People who loved you were all here today to celebrate your day. Did you hear us talking about you?  Everyone has such beautiful memories of you. I will always hold my memories of you close to my heart. I miss you so much it hurts. Please come visit me in my dreams. I need to see you and feel like we're in the same place together. I need to feel like I'm next to you again hearing your voice, seeing your face... Please visit my dreams. Please.  

Happy Birthday.  

Love,

Sergio

Dear Luke,

So today I cleaned out my apartment to head back to Southern California in the morning. I filled out my "moving out" paper work and made it all official. I've known that moving day was coming and would get here fast, and although a month ago the thought of moving did make me sad, to day the reality and visual of moving felt devastating. As my apartment became more and more empty I couldn't help but remember you. To were my first guest to come over. The last time I'm saw you alive was there at that apartment which I am now moving away from. 

Iook at specific spots in that apartment and I remember you:  

You would take your martini out to my balcony and smoke while we talked. During that talk you asked to really try to make it work for us and not let anything come between us. You were to my left, sitting in my old wooden chair. We talked about a lot of things. Then there's that spot where you spilled some blue orchid martini onto my carpet Nd tried being sneeky covering up the small blue dot with my printer. You didn't fool me.  I caught you and I cleaned it up; but we sure did have a good laugh about you're non sneeky ninja skills.

My last memory of you, you were sitting on the floor in front of me on this spot:

Just in front of my balcony door. You were a little drunk and I made sure you stayed with me a little while to sober up. You wanted to leave, but you didn't. You ended up passing out for a few hours right in that spot. You woke up much better and alert and commented about wanting to hang together more. I was so excited at the idea of getting to see you more often. 

Seeing my apartment empty flooded memories of you into my brain. 

I won't get to see those spots that remind me of our last time together anymore. It devistates me. I feel like I'm loosing you all over again and I have to say goodbye to you again. I don't know how to say goodbye again and let you go. You're in that apartment. In the memories which brings me straight back to the experience when I see those special spots. I won't have those spots anymore. What's worse is, when that apartment gets a new tenant, those spots that were your spots will not have meaning to the new person. That new person will create their own meanings and spots. I just don't know how to let you go. I felt close to you in there. Movig forward I won't have any more places to give to you. I want to experience you again Luke. I want to see you, hear you, touch you. I want to know that wherever you are, you're ok. I just want to talk to you again Luke. :-(. 

Dear Luke,

    It's almost been six months. I can't believe it!  I miss you so much Luke. 

    On Saturday I went to San Diego pride with a few friends. I had fun; but my mind kept wandering over to thoughts and memories of you. At 

one point after leaving the pride festival my friends and I went to a bar. I bbegan remembering the time when we visited San Francisco for the second time. Remember? We went to a club/bar and you accidentally bumped into a guy causing him to spill his entire drink. You apologized profusely to him and quickly bought him another drink. 

    I remember how excited you where when the DJ started playing the song "Low" and you tried getting me out to the dance floor to dance. I said no because I don't dance; but you were persistent and I did end up dancing that song. 

    I remember you asking me to go outside with you so you could smoke and I happily followed. I would have gone with you anywhere. Outside we talked about random things. I vaguely remember you complaining about someone's bad breath, and the. A homeless woman approached us. She didn't approach us to ask for money, she approached us to say that we were "a beautiful couple."  I know that at that time we weren't really a couple. As much as I wished we were or could be a couple, I knew we weren't. But what really stuck with me was that you didn't correct the woman. Instead of responding to the woman saying "We aren't a couple" you looked T her with appreciation and sincerity and said "Thank you so much."  Thank you for that Luke. I would have sacrificed everything for you. To this day I would sacrifice anything just to bring you back. 

    My friends Ryan and Giovani got married the other day and I just watched their wedding video. I can't watch weddings without thinking about how in my mind I had always thought and hoped that when I got married it would be with you. Deep down I felt this connection with you and felt that you were the missing half of me. I pictured a life with you. I had a picture of a future with you. You were, and are, my some mate. I can't even imagine moving on and finding someone new to love. I can't picture it in my head. I feel like my life stopped when you did and I don't know how to start it back up again. I don't even know if I want to start it up again. I just don't know. :-(

Sincerely,

Sergio 

The Things You Left Behind

You were always such a neat freak. That's why I loved living with you. You'd always clean up after yourself, never leave dishes in the sink, never clothes on the floor...and exemplary roomie, really. That's also why it's so weird to keeping finding the things you left behind...

1. Old socks... you were the only one with the gray Puma ankle socks. How do they keep ending up in my clean laundry?
2. A small white tee, there is no way that belonged to Trevor. Sorry.
3. The weird V8 fruit juice I finally threw out of the garage fridge. Gross.
4. Frozen chicken patties...it's about time we discuss how thoroughly unhealthy those were. 
5. Popsicles...although Trevor ate those pretty quickly. 
6. Vodka, shoot that was gone before your funeral, love.
7. Panera signs in the garage, I really have no use for those. 
8. Car wash, zip wax, Armor-all...thanks for those, my Subaru looks great. You'd be proud.
9. Your ash tray...I've left it out for my mom.
10. Your bath towels... I know which ones are yours. Dammit.
11. Boxes of ziplock bags...you went to Costco one too many times. 

There are probably many more things you left behind, and I'm sure I will keep running into them as I stumble through life with out you. But, most importantly, you left your spirit behind for me. I feel it all the time, as I pick up your old socks, defrost your chicken patties, and throw out your Panera signs. We miss you Luke. I wish you could be here to clean up your stuff. 

Until we meet again.

Dear Luke,

    I write to you with a war of varying emotions battling inside of me. Today you are free!  Part of this world again to live in the beauty of this earth. I mourned for you not being able to be there with you, and for you,today.  Words can not speak how much I wish I could have been in your vicinity, close to you, one last time; but please believe that my heart was, and will never be, far away from you are. My heart flys with you now; a mass of dust scattered in the wind carried through the world and breeding life into nature. My heart and my soul is with you today. And though hours or days may separate us in distance; your always right next to me. That's what I need to believe. That's what helps me get through your physical absence. 

Please, if you're seeing me now know that my tears that stream down my face nle are filled with sadness for the loss of you, and they are filled with happiness for your freedom again into this world. A yon and yang combination of hally with sad. And every tear that I shed will be happy and sad tears for what was, and what could have been. I miss you, Luke, so much. I wish I could have been there for you today. I love you more than words can describe. Rest in peace now and fly with the angels. 

Sincerely,

Sergio

I can't delete your number

Dear Luke,

        I can't delete your number. Even though every time I go to call my mom, your name appears right above hers. I call her everyday, so now it's a ritual....

        I scroll carefully, afraid that if I accidentally click on you, I will call, and someone else will answer. What would I say to that person? Perhaps, I would tell them that they've inherited a great phone number. (530) 261-1708. Maybe I would ask them how their day is...maybe I would just hang up. 

       I'll never forget your number, so even if I am someday able to delete it from my phone book, or if I lose my phone and have to get a new one, your number will still be here. On my heart, in my soul, your number will always be a part of me. Over years, through the moves, our life changes...I always knew your number. I dialed it after not speaking to you for almost three years, and you answered like we had spoken a week before. I still remember that day. You and BJ drove over to see me in West Sac, and I was so happy. I was in a new place, but when you showed up, it felt like home.

      Because of your number, we were reconnected. You didn't have a facebook, I would have never found you. Yet, that one day, I thought of you and I dialed. I don't know why I remembered your number that day, I don't know why I called, but thank god I did. That phone call led to us moving in together, and three years of new memories and friendship. 

       Part of me believes that maybe someday I will be able to dial your number again, and you will answer. I hope that phone call leads to more time with you, more memories, and more friendship. I can't delete your number. 

Love,

Clairisa