Dear Luke,

    Merry Christmas!  Less than one month from now will mark they one year point since I lost you. It's still so unreal that you're gone, and it's definitely so unreal that it's almost been one year since you passed. 

    I spoke to you last night. Did you hear me?  Sometimes I feel like I can hear me while other times I feel like my voice is lost to the outer space Abiss. It kind of feels fitting though.  

    I miss you Luke. I really hope that wherever you are, you're celebrating Christmas or what ever. I love you. 

Love,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

    I finally had another dream with you last night. Thank you for visiting me. It was so amazing to see you again and hug you again.  The dream felt so real and you felt so alive. 

    I don't quite remember how you came about in my dream. I think in my dream someone told me you were alive. I didn't believe it and immediately asked where you were. As soon as I found out your location I ran to you. 

    When I saw you in my dream I ran to you and we gave each other the longest hug. It was the bear hug I promised to give to you before you died; but never had the opportunity. I remember staring at you crying and telling you that I love you. I told you that what ever you were going through, I would have supported you through and loved you even more. As I stared at you in excitement and disbelief of your presence, you began to tear up and cry. Another giant hug wasn't far after you started crying. 

    I know that we had a conversation in my dream, because we ended up sitting together at a table reminiscent of a restaurants covered in a white table cloth. Then we left whatever building we were in, together; and I woke up. 

    Thank you so much for visiting me. It meant the world to me. I will be writing all of your visits down in the future so that I never forget them. I love you Luke!  Visit me again soon. And visit Clairissa and Kim. I know they would love seeing you also. 

Sincerely,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

It's been a while since I last wrote to you. I just watched the movie "Bridegroom" and finished the movie thinking about you. I'm sorry every day that you aren't here Luke. Words can't express how much I miss you. We're coming close to the year mark since you've left us. I miss you Luke!  I love you!  

Sincerely,

Sergio 

Dear Luke,

   Here I am at Clairissa's wedding. I can't help but think that you should be here instead of me. I wish you were here Luke. You have a way of making things ok. 

    Watching the wedding I couldn't help,also, but think about how I always fantasizes that some day this day would happen for you and for me. I don't know if you wanted it also; but you were always the one for me. I can't see a wedding without wondering what ours could have been like. I miss you Luke. I wish you were here with me. I need you to make me feel like things are ok again.  I love you. 

Sincerely,

Sergio. 

Dear Luke,

Happy Birthday!  I miss you more and more every day; but it's special occasions like this that makes me miss you even more. This year is the first year since we've met in 2005 that I won't text you a message wishing you a happy birthday.  That's pretty big for me. Every year I made a point of remembering your birthday just to be able to wish you a happy day. I wish you were here today. 

    We celebrated your birthday today and I think you would have approved of the food. People who loved you were all here today to celebrate your day. Did you hear us talking about you?  Everyone has such beautiful memories of you. I will always hold my memories of you close to my heart. I miss you so much it hurts. Please come visit me in my dreams. I need to see you and feel like we're in the same place together. I need to feel like I'm next to you again hearing your voice, seeing your face... Please visit my dreams. Please.  

Happy Birthday.  

Love,

Sergio

Dear Luke,

So today I cleaned out my apartment to head back to Southern California in the morning. I filled out my "moving out" paper work and made it all official. I've known that moving day was coming and would get here fast, and although a month ago the thought of moving did make me sad, to day the reality and visual of moving felt devastating. As my apartment became more and more empty I couldn't help but remember you. To were my first guest to come over. The last time I'm saw you alive was there at that apartment which I am now moving away from. 

Iook at specific spots in that apartment and I remember you:  

You would take your martini out to my balcony and smoke while we talked. During that talk you asked to really try to make it work for us and not let anything come between us. You were to my left, sitting in my old wooden chair. We talked about a lot of things. Then there's that spot where you spilled some blue orchid martini onto my carpet Nd tried being sneeky covering up the small blue dot with my printer. You didn't fool me.  I caught you and I cleaned it up; but we sure did have a good laugh about you're non sneeky ninja skills.

My last memory of you, you were sitting on the floor in front of me on this spot:

Just in front of my balcony door. You were a little drunk and I made sure you stayed with me a little while to sober up. You wanted to leave, but you didn't. You ended up passing out for a few hours right in that spot. You woke up much better and alert and commented about wanting to hang together more. I was so excited at the idea of getting to see you more often. 

Seeing my apartment empty flooded memories of you into my brain. 

I won't get to see those spots that remind me of our last time together anymore. It devistates me. I feel like I'm loosing you all over again and I have to say goodbye to you again. I don't know how to say goodbye again and let you go. You're in that apartment. In the memories which brings me straight back to the experience when I see those special spots. I won't have those spots anymore. What's worse is, when that apartment gets a new tenant, those spots that were your spots will not have meaning to the new person. That new person will create their own meanings and spots. I just don't know how to let you go. I felt close to you in there. Movig forward I won't have any more places to give to you. I want to experience you again Luke. I want to see you, hear you, touch you. I want to know that wherever you are, you're ok. I just want to talk to you again Luke. :-(. 

Dear Luke,

    It's almost been six months. I can't believe it!  I miss you so much Luke. 

    On Saturday I went to San Diego pride with a few friends. I had fun; but my mind kept wandering over to thoughts and memories of you. At 

one point after leaving the pride festival my friends and I went to a bar. I bbegan remembering the time when we visited San Francisco for the second time. Remember? We went to a club/bar and you accidentally bumped into a guy causing him to spill his entire drink. You apologized profusely to him and quickly bought him another drink. 

    I remember how excited you where when the DJ started playing the song "Low" and you tried getting me out to the dance floor to dance. I said no because I don't dance; but you were persistent and I did end up dancing that song. 

    I remember you asking me to go outside with you so you could smoke and I happily followed. I would have gone with you anywhere. Outside we talked about random things. I vaguely remember you complaining about someone's bad breath, and the. A homeless woman approached us. She didn't approach us to ask for money, she approached us to say that we were "a beautiful couple."  I know that at that time we weren't really a couple. As much as I wished we were or could be a couple, I knew we weren't. But what really stuck with me was that you didn't correct the woman. Instead of responding to the woman saying "We aren't a couple" you looked T her with appreciation and sincerity and said "Thank you so much."  Thank you for that Luke. I would have sacrificed everything for you. To this day I would sacrifice anything just to bring you back. 

    My friends Ryan and Giovani got married the other day and I just watched their wedding video. I can't watch weddings without thinking about how in my mind I had always thought and hoped that when I got married it would be with you. Deep down I felt this connection with you and felt that you were the missing half of me. I pictured a life with you. I had a picture of a future with you. You were, and are, my some mate. I can't even imagine moving on and finding someone new to love. I can't picture it in my head. I feel like my life stopped when you did and I don't know how to start it back up again. I don't even know if I want to start it up again. I just don't know. :-(

Sincerely,

Sergio 

The Things You Left Behind

You were always such a neat freak. That's why I loved living with you. You'd always clean up after yourself, never leave dishes in the sink, never clothes on the floor...and exemplary roomie, really. That's also why it's so weird to keeping finding the things you left behind...

1. Old socks... you were the only one with the gray Puma ankle socks. How do they keep ending up in my clean laundry?
2. A small white tee, there is no way that belonged to Trevor. Sorry.
3. The weird V8 fruit juice I finally threw out of the garage fridge. Gross.
4. Frozen chicken patties...it's about time we discuss how thoroughly unhealthy those were. 
5. Popsicles...although Trevor ate those pretty quickly. 
6. Vodka, shoot that was gone before your funeral, love.
7. Panera signs in the garage, I really have no use for those. 
8. Car wash, zip wax, Armor-all...thanks for those, my Subaru looks great. You'd be proud.
9. Your ash tray...I've left it out for my mom.
10. Your bath towels... I know which ones are yours. Dammit.
11. Boxes of ziplock bags...you went to Costco one too many times. 

There are probably many more things you left behind, and I'm sure I will keep running into them as I stumble through life with out you. But, most importantly, you left your spirit behind for me. I feel it all the time, as I pick up your old socks, defrost your chicken patties, and throw out your Panera signs. We miss you Luke. I wish you could be here to clean up your stuff. 

Until we meet again.

Dear Luke,

    I write to you with a war of varying emotions battling inside of me. Today you are free!  Part of this world again to live in the beauty of this earth. I mourned for you not being able to be there with you, and for you,today.  Words can not speak how much I wish I could have been in your vicinity, close to you, one last time; but please believe that my heart was, and will never be, far away from you are. My heart flys with you now; a mass of dust scattered in the wind carried through the world and breeding life into nature. My heart and my soul is with you today. And though hours or days may separate us in distance; your always right next to me. That's what I need to believe. That's what helps me get through your physical absence. 

Please, if you're seeing me now know that my tears that stream down my face nle are filled with sadness for the loss of you, and they are filled with happiness for your freedom again into this world. A yon and yang combination of hally with sad. And every tear that I shed will be happy and sad tears for what was, and what could have been. I miss you, Luke, so much. I wish I could have been there for you today. I love you more than words can describe. Rest in peace now and fly with the angels. 

Sincerely,

Sergio

I can't delete your number

Dear Luke,

        I can't delete your number. Even though every time I go to call my mom, your name appears right above hers. I call her everyday, so now it's a ritual....

        I scroll carefully, afraid that if I accidentally click on you, I will call, and someone else will answer. What would I say to that person? Perhaps, I would tell them that they've inherited a great phone number. (530) 261-1708. Maybe I would ask them how their day is...maybe I would just hang up. 

       I'll never forget your number, so even if I am someday able to delete it from my phone book, or if I lose my phone and have to get a new one, your number will still be here. On my heart, in my soul, your number will always be a part of me. Over years, through the moves, our life changes...I always knew your number. I dialed it after not speaking to you for almost three years, and you answered like we had spoken a week before. I still remember that day. You and BJ drove over to see me in West Sac, and I was so happy. I was in a new place, but when you showed up, it felt like home.

      Because of your number, we were reconnected. You didn't have a facebook, I would have never found you. Yet, that one day, I thought of you and I dialed. I don't know why I remembered your number that day, I don't know why I called, but thank god I did. That phone call led to us moving in together, and three years of new memories and friendship. 

       Part of me believes that maybe someday I will be able to dial your number again, and you will answer. I hope that phone call leads to more time with you, more memories, and more friendship. I can't delete your number. 

Love,

Clairisa

Hey Luke Luke, 
Four months you've been departed, it feels like so much longer! Gosh how I miss you! Along with many others, we are all doing what we can to get through these days without you here. Some of us have been getting to know one another via phone and computer. It has been helpful for us to learn about each other and how you played such important roles for all of us. You run deep in our souls, but you already know this don't you?  
I must say thank you for showing me the signs, you are sooo, powerful! The black cat was crazy Luke, crazy cool!! You are assisting me in making connections; confirm away big boy. Just remember to give me clarity to go along with all the signs.
Super Full Moon this month, so we get two for one. Forever will I be acutely aware of the moon,was before your passing, like everything else there's a higher level of intensity. 
Please keep the visits coming and allowing us to feel your presences! Blessings to your soul my sweet baby boy, may all the kindness and love shared come back to you ten fold!!! 
I'll keep the home lights burning just like the love deep down in my soul!!!~~~Angel kisses~~~ Kim Kim                     05/26/13

Dear Luke,

    I've met several people who loved you very much when you were alive. I wish I could have met them while you were still living. I can see why you loved them so much; but I wouldn't expect any less from you. You were an amazing person and you surrounded yourself with equally amazing people. I feel so lucky to have been able to know you for all these years and have all these fantastic memories of you and me. I'll always cherish the times we have had and I'll always mourn the times we never had. Meeting your friends has been such a blessing to me because I have seen a bit if you in all of them. And so putting them all together makes the full you. 

I miss you and I'll never stop missing you. I look for you everywhere every day. One day I'll see you around I hope. Even if it's just in my dreams. 

Dear Luke,

    I really miss you!  I've been thinking a lot about our trips over the years.  Those memories make me smile.  Remember when we saw Amma together?  I was hesitant at first (to be honest), but I had the best time that day!  I want you to know that you have made a difference in my life! You were an incredible person inside and out.  Come visit me in my dreams again soon. 

Sincerely,

S.

Dear Luke,

    Today I was driving home from work and couldn't stop thinking about you.  My mind kept wandering to how badly I wanted to send you a text message and eagerly wait for a response.  I feel like there is so much that I want to talk to you about and get your advice about.  I could always rely on you giving some really amazing suggestions... or at the very least you were an ear that would listen without judgement.  It is always in the strangest of places that my thoughts would go from what I am presently doing to "Oh! I haven't heard from Luke in a while.  I want to see what he's up to!" then pick up my phone and send you that text message saying "hi".  Sometimes you would respond, and sometimes you wouldn't; but most of the times you responded.  The last text message you sent me was saying that you wished I could give you a big "bear hug".  I wish more than anything in the world right now that I could have given you that giant bear hug.  Lately I've felt like I needed that bear hug as well. 
    You're gone!  It's unreal to me.  I miss you so much.

Love,

Sergio

On the night of January 22nd I got a text from Luke's best friend Clairisa informing me that Luke was in a hospital and his condition wasn't looking good.  Directly after speaking with Clairisa for the first time I was in a saddened state of shock and disbelief.  At that time my mind was convinced that Luke would survive and that all of this worry would be something to look back on in the future and talk about.  After hanging up the phone with Clairisa that night I felt compelled to talk to Luke, but I couldn't.  So I decided to release all of that worry and sadness I wrote a letter to Luke which I had intended to read to him when he got better.  Unfortunately Luke never got better, and I never had the opportunity to share the letter with him.  As a remedy to that I think it's fitting that I share the letter with you and maybe, in a cosmic way, send the message to Luke through cyber space.  The following letter is what I had written to Luke on the night of the 22nd. directly after speaking with Clairisa for the first time:

January 22, 2013
Dear Luke,

    What can I say? You're in the hospital right now in a coma and I am feeling helpless and devastated.  Your friend Clairisa contacted me.  She's a great person and I can totally see how great of a friend she is to you.

    There are so many "what ifs" running in my head.  What if something happens to you?  What if the worst happens?  I can't let myself think about that!  How can I remember our history; Our past, knowing that the possibility for a present or a future with you in my life won't exist.  I can't bring myself to accept that!  I once defined faith to you as "knowing that you'll wake up in the morning and the earth is still rotating around its axis.  Faith isn't knowing; it's believing."  Right now I have to have faith in you.  I have to believe that you'll wake up and this will all seem like a dream.  I have to believe that in another 5 years I'll be talking to you about today.  I have to believe because... it's you!  How could I not  believe? I can't let you go.  Not yet!  You still have so much living to do! You have to meet your first love still.  You have to be given the chance to feel the same feelings that you made me feel.  You deserve life.  Please keep fighting!  Don't leave me and the people who love you!  You still have too much living to do.  I beg you.  Please fight!  Fight harder and more aggressive than you've ever fought.  Please choose to stay here!  Don't go!  Please!

Sincerely, 
Sergio


Unfortunately Luke passed away four days later.  But I have to believe he's still here; around the people who love him dearly.  I have to believe that when I talk to him, or write to him he can hear me.  I will always miss him dearly and I can't imagine the future without him in it.  To fix that, I intend to write to him regularly in this space in hopes that maybe, in some cosmic way, he'll hear me.  I hope you can hear me Luke.