Dear Luke,

So today I cleaned out my apartment to head back to Southern California in the morning. I filled out my "moving out" paper work and made it all official. I've known that moving day was coming and would get here fast, and although a month ago the thought of moving did make me sad, to day the reality and visual of moving felt devastating. As my apartment became more and more empty I couldn't help but remember you. To were my first guest to come over. The last time I'm saw you alive was there at that apartment which I am now moving away from. 

Iook at specific spots in that apartment and I remember you:  

You would take your martini out to my balcony and smoke while we talked. During that talk you asked to really try to make it work for us and not let anything come between us. You were to my left, sitting in my old wooden chair. We talked about a lot of things. Then there's that spot where you spilled some blue orchid martini onto my carpet Nd tried being sneeky covering up the small blue dot with my printer. You didn't fool me.  I caught you and I cleaned it up; but we sure did have a good laugh about you're non sneeky ninja skills.

My last memory of you, you were sitting on the floor in front of me on this spot:

Just in front of my balcony door. You were a little drunk and I made sure you stayed with me a little while to sober up. You wanted to leave, but you didn't. You ended up passing out for a few hours right in that spot. You woke up much better and alert and commented about wanting to hang together more. I was so excited at the idea of getting to see you more often. 

Seeing my apartment empty flooded memories of you into my brain. 

I won't get to see those spots that remind me of our last time together anymore. It devistates me. I feel like I'm loosing you all over again and I have to say goodbye to you again. I don't know how to say goodbye again and let you go. You're in that apartment. In the memories which brings me straight back to the experience when I see those special spots. I won't have those spots anymore. What's worse is, when that apartment gets a new tenant, those spots that were your spots will not have meaning to the new person. That new person will create their own meanings and spots. I just don't know how to let you go. I felt close to you in there. Movig forward I won't have any more places to give to you. I want to experience you again Luke. I want to see you, hear you, touch you. I want to know that wherever you are, you're ok. I just want to talk to you again Luke. :-(. 

Dear Luke,

    It's almost been six months. I can't believe it!  I miss you so much Luke. 

    On Saturday I went to San Diego pride with a few friends. I had fun; but my mind kept wandering over to thoughts and memories of you. At 

one point after leaving the pride festival my friends and I went to a bar. I bbegan remembering the time when we visited San Francisco for the second time. Remember? We went to a club/bar and you accidentally bumped into a guy causing him to spill his entire drink. You apologized profusely to him and quickly bought him another drink. 

    I remember how excited you where when the DJ started playing the song "Low" and you tried getting me out to the dance floor to dance. I said no because I don't dance; but you were persistent and I did end up dancing that song. 

    I remember you asking me to go outside with you so you could smoke and I happily followed. I would have gone with you anywhere. Outside we talked about random things. I vaguely remember you complaining about someone's bad breath, and the. A homeless woman approached us. She didn't approach us to ask for money, she approached us to say that we were "a beautiful couple."  I know that at that time we weren't really a couple. As much as I wished we were or could be a couple, I knew we weren't. But what really stuck with me was that you didn't correct the woman. Instead of responding to the woman saying "We aren't a couple" you looked T her with appreciation and sincerity and said "Thank you so much."  Thank you for that Luke. I would have sacrificed everything for you. To this day I would sacrifice anything just to bring you back. 

    My friends Ryan and Giovani got married the other day and I just watched their wedding video. I can't watch weddings without thinking about how in my mind I had always thought and hoped that when I got married it would be with you. Deep down I felt this connection with you and felt that you were the missing half of me. I pictured a life with you. I had a picture of a future with you. You were, and are, my some mate. I can't even imagine moving on and finding someone new to love. I can't picture it in my head. I feel like my life stopped when you did and I don't know how to start it back up again. I don't even know if I want to start it up again. I just don't know. :-(

Sincerely,

Sergio 

The Things You Left Behind

You were always such a neat freak. That's why I loved living with you. You'd always clean up after yourself, never leave dishes in the sink, never clothes on the floor...and exemplary roomie, really. That's also why it's so weird to keeping finding the things you left behind...

1. Old socks... you were the only one with the gray Puma ankle socks. How do they keep ending up in my clean laundry?
2. A small white tee, there is no way that belonged to Trevor. Sorry.
3. The weird V8 fruit juice I finally threw out of the garage fridge. Gross.
4. Frozen chicken patties...it's about time we discuss how thoroughly unhealthy those were. 
5. Popsicles...although Trevor ate those pretty quickly. 
6. Vodka, shoot that was gone before your funeral, love.
7. Panera signs in the garage, I really have no use for those. 
8. Car wash, zip wax, Armor-all...thanks for those, my Subaru looks great. You'd be proud.
9. Your ash tray...I've left it out for my mom.
10. Your bath towels... I know which ones are yours. Dammit.
11. Boxes of ziplock bags...you went to Costco one too many times. 

There are probably many more things you left behind, and I'm sure I will keep running into them as I stumble through life with out you. But, most importantly, you left your spirit behind for me. I feel it all the time, as I pick up your old socks, defrost your chicken patties, and throw out your Panera signs. We miss you Luke. I wish you could be here to clean up your stuff.